Life In Motion

I cannot pretend to be immune to the sufferings of time's apathy. It's an endless fascination and frustration. I know it passes, and I know there is nothing I can do about that, yet I cannot help but want to have a modicum of control over it. I want to be a time traveller, not just a passenger of time.
We look back at the inevitability of events. They are only determined because we cannot change them. The past is always inevitable because we remember them ending in a specific way. I embarrass myself, or I say the wrong thing, create the wrong tone, all in an often flowing way - as if it was meant to be - and I cannot go back on any of it. We are a victim of our memories. And a victim of the want to break free from it, not by transcending this issue but by trying to make changes. Not even by trying, just by wanting to try.
And there lies the biggest problem that can befall man. The dream of living a life. Or at least, as I see it, the dream of dreaming about the life. A fear of reality so great that we find ourselves more comfortable in life's non-events than in the true nakedness of existence. There is comfort in emptiness that feels very much like settling. But within that emptiness it is easy to dream of what life would be like if we embraced chaos. I cannot tell you whether it's a real want or whether it's just an enjoyed want for wanting's sake.
There are so many things you might want, yet when the offer is placed in front of you, you hesitate. Why? Maybe it was just a shock that it came. Or, just maybe, you didn't want it in the first place. Can it be that we just like to aspire and hope?
I do not want to be unhappy - that's a natural aim - but it is in the deepest of pits that we realise some of our most ingrained truths. It is within the blackness of the cave that we realise that there may also be a light out there worth hoping for.

I suppose this is another way to say hello. There has been a silence and I am feeling sadly motivated to talk once more to the screen, to the abyss that acts as a substitute for the fulfilling existence I may one day manage.